I often see articles posted on Facebook talking about something called
"mommy wars". From what I gather, "mommy wars" refers to moms telling
each other how to raise their children. The feeling behind it is very
negative and basically says that moms should keep their parenting
opinions to themselves and let each mom do what feels right to her. At
the same time I often see memes and status updates chastising others for
giving moms advice. I want to challenge all the moms out there to
consider something different. When your friend posts an article on
Facebook talking about breastfeeding, she is not trying to condemn or
judge you for formula feeding. And when you ask in a forum about sleep
training, the mom who shares with you an article warning of the possible
down sides, she is not trying to shame you or say you are a terrible
mother. Perhaps she just wants to share information that she finds
enlightening and hopes you may benefit from it as well. And when the older
mother in the grocery store sees your baby screaming and comes over to
suggest the baby is hungry and you want to shout "duh", consider that she
may not be thinking you are an idiot but instead is another mom who has
been there and is trying to help. Before you rip out your phone to vent to the Facebook world about that nosy mother, stop for a moment and see her as someone who is trying to walk this unpredictable path of motherhood with you. You see, I think we moms want so much
to have it all together that when anyone dares to offer advice our pride kicks in and we suddenly feel attacked. I personally think this
whole mommy wars thing is simply not accepting help from the village.
I love the African proverb that says it takes a village to raise a
child. All those moms giving you advice aren't the enemy trying to
attack your little tribe, they are part of the village helping you raise
your child. Let's face it moms, we don't have all the answers. And the
idea of just doing what feels right will at times fail us. I'm all about
mom's intuition and you know your child best but in the role of
parenting we will often have to do things we don't feel like doing but
we know are best. That's what is so great about humans, we can use our
reason to rule our emotions. So let those other moms help you. Let
yourself be a part of the great village of mothers. When a mom offers
you advice, instead of being annoyed, feeling attacked, and insisting
there is a war, consider what they have to say (especially if it comes
from a well seasoned mom) and if you decide that their ways don't work for
your family just move on thankful that someone cares enough to want to
help you in your quest to be the "perfect" parent (isn't that the lofty
goal we all set out to attain). You may be surprised how often the input you get truly is helpful. Yes, there are some individuals out there
who are judging and aren't very charitable but from what I've seen they
are the few while the majority are very well intentioned. Take the advice you receive into consideration and most importantly take it to your knees. The precious child you are raising ultimately belongs to God so go to Him when you receive input and with a humble heart ask Him what is best for the blessing he has given to your care. A note for when you are the advice giver: if you know a mom does not want advice, let her be and just set an example for her. And be sure that you are indeed giving advice to help and uplift a mother in her vocation and never criticizing her. There is a difference between offering your insight and tearing down a mom who knows she's not perfect so be sure your advice giving is encouraging. And yes, we all have topics we are passionate about so pick wisely the hills you are willing to die on.
Now a note about mother in laws: in mommy forums I so often see moms venting about the mother in law who they insist needs to mind her own business. Unless you have a true monster in law (and I challenge you to be honest with your feelings) then I bet you your mother in law wants to be helpful. She just may know a thing or two about raising a child. In fact, she may know so much that she raised at least one great kid, one great enough that you decided to spend your life with him and enter into the fabulous world of parenting with him. So give her advice a chance. I bet you may find she has a lot of wisdom.
The next time someone offers you (or me) mommy advice, let's see it as an act of love instead of an enemy declaring war. And let's get rid of this whole term "mommy wars." We are in this together so let's help each other along. No one else knows as well as another mother how it feels to have your heart run around outside your body or that aching feeling of wanting to do everything right and the sinking guilt when you make a mistake and realize that you do indeed need that village you are so afraid of.
