Today I am thankful for So Cal weather! It's November and Mary and I
were able to get outside for a walk around the Irvine farmer's market. I loved talking to her as we strolled around the outdoor market. Afternoons like these are so special and are the memories I will really cherish when many years from now I look back on her time as a baby.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Day 2- Love Languages
Today I'm thankful for love languages. Have you ever heard of The
Five Love
Languages by Gary Chapman? It is such an interesting book and concept.
He basically says that everyone has a love language and in order to
best love another person you should show that love via their specific
language. My love language is physical touch. Makes sense why
yesterday's day of thankfulness was co sleeping :) I feel loved when my
husband holds my hand, rubs my back, and puts his arm around me. I
feel loved when my daughter puts her head on my shoulder or reaches
out to touch my arm while she sleeps. My husband has the same love
language as me and I am thankful for that because it makes it easier
for us to effectively express love to each other as we speak each others love language naturally. When I am upset or feeling my love tank isn't full I know exactly what will fill it up
because I know my love language. And because I know Eric's love
language I know to rub his back or snuggle up to him when I want to fill what Chapman calls his "love tank". So I am thankful for the love languages because they make feeling loved and loving others so much easier!
Languages by Gary Chapman? It is such an interesting book and concept.
He basically says that everyone has a love language and in order to
best love another person you should show that love via their specific
language. My love language is physical touch. Makes sense why
yesterday's day of thankfulness was co sleeping :) I feel loved when my
husband holds my hand, rubs my back, and puts his arm around me. I
feel loved when my daughter puts her head on my shoulder or reaches
out to touch my arm while she sleeps. My husband has the same love
language as me and I am thankful for that because it makes it easier
for us to effectively express love to each other as we speak each others love language naturally. When I am upset or feeling my love tank isn't full I know exactly what will fill it up
because I know my love language. And because I know Eric's love
language I know to rub his back or snuggle up to him when I want to fill what Chapman calls his "love tank". So I am thankful for the love languages because they make feeling loved and loving others so much easier!
More info on the Love Languages can be read here
30 Days of Thanksgiving...Day 1: Co-Sleeping
During this month with Thanksgiving I am going to reflect each day on something I am thankful for. I think this is a great yearly exercise to remind ourselves just how blessed we are.
Today I am thankful for co sleeping. I love sleeping with my
little girl in
our bed. Some people don't understand co sleeping and question it
or think it's weird. I hear comments like "you're spoiling her", "she
will never sleep in her own bed because you're creating bad habits" or "how
do you ever get 'mommy and daddy time' <wink wink> if you know what I
mean." But when I think of co sleeping I see nights with plenty of
sleep for both baby and I. I see a baby becoming beautifully attached
to her mommy. I see me not having to worry if she is ok in another
room, I can just look over and see her fast asleep. I am thankful for
co sleeping because I love that my daughter at just 3 months old
reaches out to have her hand on me while she sleeps because the mere
touch of mommy brings her comfort. I love co sleeping and I'm so
thankful we chose to do it with our little Mary!
BTW: co sleeping does not spoil children, she won't be sleeping with
us her whole life, and co sleeping parents find plenty of time for
"mommy and daddy time"
our bed. Some people don't understand co sleeping and question it
or think it's weird. I hear comments like "you're spoiling her", "she
will never sleep in her own bed because you're creating bad habits" or "how
do you ever get 'mommy and daddy time' <wink wink> if you know what I
mean." But when I think of co sleeping I see nights with plenty of
sleep for both baby and I. I see a baby becoming beautifully attached
to her mommy. I see me not having to worry if she is ok in another
room, I can just look over and see her fast asleep. I am thankful for
co sleeping because I love that my daughter at just 3 months old
reaches out to have her hand on me while she sleeps because the mere
touch of mommy brings her comfort. I love co sleeping and I'm so
thankful we chose to do it with our little Mary!
BTW: co sleeping does not spoil children, she won't be sleeping with
us her whole life, and co sleeping parents find plenty of time for
"mommy and daddy time"
If you are interested in more info about co-sleeping check out this link
I get to sleep next to this beautiful burrito every night:)
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
The Godliness of Motherhood
This morning I read a beautiful reflection on motherhood. The author said "God could be everywhere and he proved it by making mothers." This hit my heart so strongly and reminded me that to our precious daughter I am a reflection of the love of God. Meditating on this idea further I began to think about where she is at right now in her development. The last few days she has wanted mommy and mommy alone. She will go to daddy for a few minutes but very quickly begins to make little sad sounds that are immediately calmed once she is in my arms. I suspect she is teething but whatever it may be, she is mommy's girl right now. I love so much that my mere presence can make her feel so comforted. Upon getting two shots recently she was instantly calmed by me nursing her. The same thing when she has a sore bottom from diaper rash and a sore face from bonking herself with her Elmo rattle, as soon as she was in my arms nursing she was calm and soothed. How incredible that is and such an amazing feeling for me as her mommy. This combined with the article I read this morning got me to thinking. What if we were that dependent on and comforted by Our Heavenly Father? What if just merely being in His presence (which we are at every moment) made us feel that no matter what was going on, everything would be okay. What is His loving arms brought us comfort when we experience pain and what if we constantly wanted to be with him accepting no substitute? How beautiful our life would be if we had the same dependance on God that our daughter now has on me! How much joy we would experience if God was all that we needed. My prayer today is that we all throw ourselves into the arms of God with absolute trust and way a baby does in the arms of her mother.
Here is the article I read this morning. It is worth a read especially if you are a mother. Motherhood is certainly the best gift God has every given me! I am overwhelmed with joy every single day that I look into the eyes of this precious soul entrusted to my care.
According
to a Jewish proverb, “God could not be everywhere, so He made mothers.”
This is a fine, enduring sentiment. I do think, however, that by
reversing the statement we come closer to the truth: “God could be
everywhere and proved it by creating mothers.” - See more at:
http://www.integratedcatholiclife.org/2013/10/dr-donald-demarco-the-godliness-of-motherhood/#sthash.6PDRXMr6.dpuf
According
to a Jewish proverb, “God could not be everywhere, so He made mothers.”
This is a fine, enduring sentiment. I do think, however, that by
reversing the statement we come closer to the truth: “God could be
everywhere and proved it by creating mothers.” - See more at:
http://www.integratedcatholiclife.org/2013/10/dr-donald-demarco-the-godliness-of-motherhood/#sthash.6PDRXMr6.dpuf
According
to a Jewish proverb, “God could not be everywhere, so He made mothers.”
This is a fine, enduring sentiment. I do think, however, that by
reversing the statement we come closer to the truth: “God could be
everywhere and proved it by creating mothers.” - See more at:
http://www.integratedcatholiclife.org/2013/10/dr-donald-demarco-the-godliness-of-motherhood/#sthash.6PDRXMr6.dpuf
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Mass- what a gift it is
I read the below reflection on Facebook this morning and I couldn't say it better myself so I am sharing the text directly! Happy Sunday! Don't forget that today is the first day of a nine day novena to Saint Therese.
Here is a link to my favorite novena to her! Please consider joining me in prayer...and keep an eye out for roses ;-)
Reflection on the Mass:
The Mass is the MOST important and sacred act of worship in the Catholic Church.
The Mass incorporates the Bible (Sacred Scripture), prayer, sacrifice, hymns, symbols, gestures, sacred food for the soul, and directions on how to live a Catholic life — all in one ceremony. Through time and space, we connect with the original Last Supper.
The Church teaches that the Mass is the re-presentation of the sacrifice of Calvary. This is misunderstood by many non-Catholics who claim that the Mass is a re-crucifixion of Christ. It is not.
Jesus Christ celebrated the first Mass with His disciples at the Last Supper, the night before He died. He commanded His disciples, “Do this in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19). The celebration of the Mass then became the main form of worship in the early Church, as a reenactment of the Last Supper, as Christ had commanded.
Each and every Mass since commemorates Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross through the Holy Eucharist. Because the Mass “re-presents” (makes present) the sacrifice on Calvary, Catholics all around the world join together to be made present in Christ’s timeless sacrifice for our sins. There is something fascinating about continuing to celebrate the same Mass—instituted by Christ and practiced by the early Church.
If you are Catholic, you are obliged to go to Mass every Sunday – not just on Sundays when you wake up early enough, it’s convenient, or when you feel like it. You love and feed your family whether you feel like or not right? You need to feed yourself and your family spiritually whether you feel like going or not too. (Legitimate reasons to miss Mass would be along the lines of illness, needing to care for the ill, and lack of an available Mass within a reasonable distance.)
A lot of Catholics don’t attend Mass as they should, perhaps because we do not realize it is a requirement and a mortal sin to miss it, or possibly because we take for granted what is really happening at the Mass, and it is not a priority in our lives. But if you really understood and knew what was happening, you wouldn't just go on Sundays, you would want to go every day.
Attending Mass is not just an obligation, it’s a privilege. God knows we need it, and it is His gift to us. Mass should be the highlight of our week. We should look forward to it and want to go. And when we don’t, it’s a reminder that we need to work harder to more fully understand the reality of what happens at Mass.
Think about the hours you spend on Sundays watching sports, sleeping in, or going to the gym to get physically fit. What if you went to the gym just one hour per week? How physically fit would you be with just one hour? God asks for only one hour per week at Mass. (Please give him many more hours of this throughout the week in prayer, reading the Bible and other Catholic books, or at daily Mass.) Mass will help bring us closer to Him, bring grace in our souls and is a great start for your week in getting spiritually fit.
It's human and natural to forget, get lazy, take it for granted, or become numb to it, but we have to continually work to overcome that trap. The devil is real and loves it when you stay home. At Mass we are being offered the greatest gift God has to offer –the source and summit of our Faith, Jesus Christ Himself. Go whether you feel like going or not. Love God always, even when you don't feel like loving Him. Love is much more than feelings. Love is a sacrifice and putting others before yourself.
When we receive the Eucharist, we truly, physically receive the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ, of God Himself – at every Mass. If you're looking for a personal relationships with Jesus Christ, you can't get any more personal than when you receive Him in the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith.
Staying home thinking missing Mass doesn't matter, or that watching it on tv, or being a good person is enough - is wrong. If you are a Catholic, you are supposed to go to Mass every week, and on Holy Days of Obligation. If you don't understand the Mass, or are bored, and are looking for better "entertainment" - then pray for understanding. We go to Mass to worship God. We get down on our knees at Mass to humble ourselves before our King. It's not about "us" remember. We don't go to Mass to be entertained, or demand that the priest's homily be exciting, or if it isn't we aren't going back. We go to Mass to worship God, hear His word in the Liturgy of the Word, and receive Christ's body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist. We go to worship, not be entertained.
At Mass today try to really listen to the readings. Better yet, read them before Mass, and then really listen to the readings. We can all get distracted, but if we really try to be really present, listen and participate, the Mass will be even that more beautiful.
An inspiring homily and beautiful music absolutely add to the beauty of the Mass, but even without these things, remember - Christ is there in the Eucharist. Christ is truly present. That alone should make you want to never skip Mass, be there on time, not leave early without a good reason, and thank God for this wonderful gift.
Read, study, seek more understanding, and most of all, pray that you will come to a better appreciation and love for this most beautiful gift that Jesus Christ Himself (not man) gave to you over 2000 years ago.
Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday!
Here is a link to my favorite novena to her! Please consider joining me in prayer...and keep an eye out for roses ;-)
Reflection on the Mass: The Mass is the MOST important and sacred act of worship in the Catholic Church.
The Mass incorporates the Bible (Sacred Scripture), prayer, sacrifice, hymns, symbols, gestures, sacred food for the soul, and directions on how to live a Catholic life — all in one ceremony. Through time and space, we connect with the original Last Supper.
The Church teaches that the Mass is the re-presentation of the sacrifice of Calvary. This is misunderstood by many non-Catholics who claim that the Mass is a re-crucifixion of Christ. It is not.
Jesus Christ celebrated the first Mass with His disciples at the Last Supper, the night before He died. He commanded His disciples, “Do this in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19). The celebration of the Mass then became the main form of worship in the early Church, as a reenactment of the Last Supper, as Christ had commanded.
Each and every Mass since commemorates Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross through the Holy Eucharist. Because the Mass “re-presents” (makes present) the sacrifice on Calvary, Catholics all around the world join together to be made present in Christ’s timeless sacrifice for our sins. There is something fascinating about continuing to celebrate the same Mass—instituted by Christ and practiced by the early Church.
If you are Catholic, you are obliged to go to Mass every Sunday – not just on Sundays when you wake up early enough, it’s convenient, or when you feel like it. You love and feed your family whether you feel like or not right? You need to feed yourself and your family spiritually whether you feel like going or not too. (Legitimate reasons to miss Mass would be along the lines of illness, needing to care for the ill, and lack of an available Mass within a reasonable distance.)
A lot of Catholics don’t attend Mass as they should, perhaps because we do not realize it is a requirement and a mortal sin to miss it, or possibly because we take for granted what is really happening at the Mass, and it is not a priority in our lives. But if you really understood and knew what was happening, you wouldn't just go on Sundays, you would want to go every day.
Attending Mass is not just an obligation, it’s a privilege. God knows we need it, and it is His gift to us. Mass should be the highlight of our week. We should look forward to it and want to go. And when we don’t, it’s a reminder that we need to work harder to more fully understand the reality of what happens at Mass.
Think about the hours you spend on Sundays watching sports, sleeping in, or going to the gym to get physically fit. What if you went to the gym just one hour per week? How physically fit would you be with just one hour? God asks for only one hour per week at Mass. (Please give him many more hours of this throughout the week in prayer, reading the Bible and other Catholic books, or at daily Mass.) Mass will help bring us closer to Him, bring grace in our souls and is a great start for your week in getting spiritually fit.
It's human and natural to forget, get lazy, take it for granted, or become numb to it, but we have to continually work to overcome that trap. The devil is real and loves it when you stay home. At Mass we are being offered the greatest gift God has to offer –the source and summit of our Faith, Jesus Christ Himself. Go whether you feel like going or not. Love God always, even when you don't feel like loving Him. Love is much more than feelings. Love is a sacrifice and putting others before yourself.
When we receive the Eucharist, we truly, physically receive the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ, of God Himself – at every Mass. If you're looking for a personal relationships with Jesus Christ, you can't get any more personal than when you receive Him in the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith.
Staying home thinking missing Mass doesn't matter, or that watching it on tv, or being a good person is enough - is wrong. If you are a Catholic, you are supposed to go to Mass every week, and on Holy Days of Obligation. If you don't understand the Mass, or are bored, and are looking for better "entertainment" - then pray for understanding. We go to Mass to worship God. We get down on our knees at Mass to humble ourselves before our King. It's not about "us" remember. We don't go to Mass to be entertained, or demand that the priest's homily be exciting, or if it isn't we aren't going back. We go to Mass to worship God, hear His word in the Liturgy of the Word, and receive Christ's body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist. We go to worship, not be entertained.
At Mass today try to really listen to the readings. Better yet, read them before Mass, and then really listen to the readings. We can all get distracted, but if we really try to be really present, listen and participate, the Mass will be even that more beautiful.
An inspiring homily and beautiful music absolutely add to the beauty of the Mass, but even without these things, remember - Christ is there in the Eucharist. Christ is truly present. That alone should make you want to never skip Mass, be there on time, not leave early without a good reason, and thank God for this wonderful gift.
Read, study, seek more understanding, and most of all, pray that you will come to a better appreciation and love for this most beautiful gift that Jesus Christ Himself (not man) gave to you over 2000 years ago.
Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Being Home
As schools are starting back up these past few weeks I can not help but stop and think about the fact that I am not going back to another year of teaching. I loved teaching. I can honestly say that I never dreaded going to work. I loved what I did and the people I worked with. I always knew though that if God called me to motherhood that I would give up a beautiful profession to become a different kind of teacher, a teacher to my children. God has indeed blessed me with motherhood and beyond that he has also blessed me with a very hard working husband who is committed to me being home with our daughter. Me quitting my job and staying home was an absolute for us. Of course my income was great and could afford us many luxuries. We would love to buy a big family house one day and if I kept working I am sure that would become a reality much sooner but at what cost? Some mom's work because they have to in order to put food on the table and I have nothing but admiration for them. It must be
incredibly difficult to work full time and be a mommy. Balancing the two
seems impossible. Eric makes plenty of money to provide for the
necessities and more and many might assume that I am staying home
because Eric has such a great job. Truth is that I would be home if Eric
made way less money. We would find ways to cut costs and things that
aren't necessary because we see my being home as more important. Any
time we make a choice we have to look at the costs involved and ask
ourselves if it is worth it. What are we sacrificing? If I were to
continue to work we would sacrifice my precious time with our daughter.
The cost would be daily moments when I get to witness her growing and be
her guide as she learns to navigate through life. Countless articles
have been written about the benefits to children of a mom at home. Just
listen to 1 episode of Dr Laura and you will hear her go on and on about
mommy being home. Here is info right from stay at home moms about some of the benefits. Linked below is another great article about the benefits of a mom at home for the kids, husband, and mom herself. It will likely challenge you but I encourage all to read it and truly consider what it says.
http://www.catholicpamphlets.net/pamphlets/SHOULD%20MOTHERS%20WORK.pdf
I am forever grateful that I get to be with my daughter every day and whatever delay in material things we desire that happens as a result of having one income is completely worth it. I believe that Mary will one day be grateful to her daddy for working so hard so mommy can be home. I am already so thankful to have a husband who works hard so I can be home to witness every sweet smile.
http://www.catholicpamphlets.net/pamphlets/SHOULD%20MOTHERS%20WORK.pdf
I am forever grateful that I get to be with my daughter every day and whatever delay in material things we desire that happens as a result of having one income is completely worth it. I believe that Mary will one day be grateful to her daddy for working so hard so mommy can be home. I am already so thankful to have a husband who works hard so I can be home to witness every sweet smile.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Our Birth Story
I have been asked a lot in the last month about my birth story and when I was preparing for labor and delivery I found that reading other people's birth stories was helpful so I have decided to write mine down as well. It's long but I want to be able to look back and remember the details that brought my daughter out of the womb and into our arms.
A few weeks before my due date I had my first false alarm. The nurse that I spoke to told me the baby would likely come in the next few days. Boy, was she ever wrong as Mary stayed inside 10 days past her due date. It didn't totally surprise us since at my first check at 37 weeks I was already beginning to dilate. With those words from the nurse, Eric and I went into a mode of active waiting. I became a ticking time bomb. We were expecting at any moment for me to fly into full labor. Our hospital bags were packed and our birth plan printed out (all two full pages of details). That birth plan would end up being thrown out the window but more about that later.
Days went by and no baby. My due date (July 6th) came and went. Eric took a few days off work since we thought Mary was coming but eventually we realized this baby was very cozy inside and Eric returned to work. Tuesday, July 9th, I began having pains and felt all together strange so I called Eric and asked him to come home. The pains began to get more regular so we called the doctor who told us to head to the hospital to get checked. Once we got there we realized that we had another false alarm. The nurse said it was early labor but not not active enough to be in the hospital. Once gain, they said it would likely be any day now and once again were they ever wrong. Those nurses had no idea how much this girl wanted to stay inside with her 24 hour, temperature controlled, buffet.
More time went by and we began growing weary. It was getting more and more difficult to wait. As we got further and further past my due date the discussion of induction came up with the doctor. My mom had very late babies so I had previously shared with the doctor that I wanted to wait as long as possible before inducing. She was wonderful and agreed that as long as everyone was healthy we could wait until 42 weeks to induce. At each weekly appointment they found I was making some progress but not as much as they wanted. I was having tons of contractions but they seemed to be only slightly helping my cervix along. The hardest part of this all for me was the pain I was now in. Every night for several hours Mary would move vigorously in my tummy. At this point she was so big that her movements were extremely painful and would at times leave me almost in tears. Each night I would beg God to send me into labor. I often told him I couldn't take anymore even though deep down I knew I could and had a feeling I was going to be asked to endure more days. I offered the pain for a safe delivery for Mary. I would begin to pray that the pain be an offering to not have a C-Section (our biggest concern) but could never actually gets those words out in my prayers. I knew that I needed to just put everything in God's hands and not make demands about how labor and delivery should go.
On July 14th, I began having pains again. We timed them and when they were 5 minutes apart of a few hours we headed to the hospital. It was about 2am when we got there and again they told me I was not in full labor. They said I was definitely in labor but still early labor. (By the way, if you ever read a pregnancy book that claims that you should try to go out to dinner or watch a movie during early labor, ignore those pages! Early labor is labor and it does hurt and is tiring so going out won't be in your mind.) At this point, I was 8 days past due and the doctor at the hospital requested that I stay and be induced into active labor. The doctor also saw something on the fetal heart monitor that concerned him. Her heart rate would speed up and then suddenly dip. This only happened once so he couldn't conclude anything was wrong but doctors don't really like women to go past 41 weeks and he was concerned. I did not feel at peace about being induced at this point so I asked to talk to my doctor before making a decision. My doctor asked for some extra fetal monitoring and once everything showed that Mary was just find my doctor agreed to let me go home and wait in hopes that active labor would come on its own. We asked her how we can be sure that next time isn't another false alarm and she said don't go in until contractions are 3-5 minutes apart or they pain is more than I can handle.
So back home we went but not for long. Contractions picked up again the evening of the 15th. I had over an hour of hard contractions that were 6 minutes apart. Every time Eric would check the time and tell me 6 minutes I would almost laugh. The doctor said 3-5 minutes and of course my contractions were 6 minutes apart. This little girl was teasing us! I found comfort in the warm shower but once the hot water ran out I decided to try to lay in bed. Just a few minutes later a crazy pain struck and I yelped in pain and began to cry. Something had changed! That first intense contraction was of a very different kind. I had another one just a few minutes later, then a third again a few minutes later. Eric was laying next to me in the bed and when the third contraction hit I yelled, "get me to a hospital!" With that, Eric, too, knew something had changed and he jumped out of bed and began getting everything in the car so we could go. On the way to the hospital (10 minutes away), I had three more contractions. They were coming close together and I knew this had to be real labor. We got to the labor and delivery desk and I had another one there in front of the nurses. Now, on our previous visits they had taken us to triage to assess if I was really in labor but this time they took us straight to a labor and delivery room. Eric asked how they knew I was truly in active labor this time and the nurse responded, "just look at her face, that is real labor!"
They checked my dilation and finally I had progressed another centimeter. I was admitted and the IV was started. Eric and I were excited but for some reason still cautious and worried they would send us home again. The nurses assured me that I was not going home and began giving me Penicillin because I was strep B positive. They also gave me fluids which slowed the contractions down. They were still very strong but not as regular. I decided I would get the epidural. I was previously opposed to the epidural and desired an all natural labor but I got scared and decided to accept the available help.
Before giving me the epidural the on call doctor came in to check me. After a few more hours I had not made any more progress. I felt so defeated. All those intense contractions and nothing! She said the contractions were strong enough but not often enough to dilate my cervix. She gave me three options: break my water, give me pitocin, or send me home. I immediately told Eric that going home was not an option. I was in so much pain and could not bare it much longer. This was the point when the birth plan went out the window. We did not want any induction methods but at this point we needed to trust the doctors and consider what they were recommending.
In my spiritual life I have often found that I can identify God's will because it comes with a great sense of peace. The day before, when induction methods were offered, I had no peace and knew it wasn't time. This time when they suggested induction methods I had peace and knew it was time to accept help moving things along. For some reason my body would not put itself into steady and active labor and needed a little help. After getting input from some girlfriends we decided that breaking my water was the least invasive. They came to do my epidural first and then the doctor broke my water. Right before giving me the epidural and breaking my water they checked my progress and I was at 4 centimeters. I had made it one more centimeter on my own!
After breaking my water they contractions picked up a little but upon checking my progress we found that I had not dilated any more. So now we were moving on to pitocin. I certainly did not want pitocin but at this point had little options. The pitocin worked fast and in just a few hours I was at 7 centimeters and Eric was calling our families to tell them to head to the hospital. Soon I was at 10 centimeters and it was time to push at about 8pm on July 16, 2013. The room was filled with excitement. My mom, Eric's mom, and Eric's sister all stayed with us in the room to see our little girl be born. Pushing seemed to be going well as the nurses kept saying I was pushing exactly right. After about an hour of pushing, my epidural stopped working and I could feel the intense contractions. This is where I have to admit that the movies are right. I began crying out loud at the pain. The pain was very intense thanks to the pitocin. I knew I only had two hours to push before they would get concerned so as I watched the clock tick by I got more and more nervous. After about an hour and forty-five minutes the nurse went to call the doctor. When she returned we got the worst news yet. Mary was not budging and her heart rate was being compromised during the contractions. In fact, it was doing exactly what the previous doctor saw the day prior. The nurse informed us that the doctor wanted to do a C-Section. The energy in the room died. I began to cry asking for alternatives. Eric and I desire a big family and a C-Section could pose challenges and add risks to that desire. After speaking to the doctor on the phone she agreed to wait 30 minutes to see if Mary's heart rate would get better. By the time the doctor got to the hospital Mary's heart rate was in the healthy range so I began pushing again with the doctor. Unfortunately, again, Mary seemed stuck and they were concerned her heart would speed up again so I agreed to the C-Section. As much as I didn't want to end up on the operating table, I had a sense of peace.
They took me into the operating room and prepped Eric to be with me. It took about 6 minutes to get Mary out and I felt a mix of joy and sadness when I heard the doctor say, "time of birth: 11:03 pm." I was filled with joy that my little girl was here but sad that I did not get that dream delivery I hoped for. I didn't get my baby handed to me for skin to skin contact and immediate nursing. I wasn't immediately holding my baby in my arms because I had to be stitched up. Praise God her daddy got to be with her right away. Immediately after the baby was out they pumped me with narcotics for the coming pain. I had a strong reaction to the narcotics and it took about 2 hours for me to regain my vision, stop shaking, and be able to really see Mary and hold her. In those two hours Eric bonded with his daughter. God knows what He is doing and I am sure that time of bonding will set those two up to have an incredible relationship. I worried about her attachment to me but now 1 month later I can say that is not an issue at all. Our little girl is fully attached to her mommy! We were finally taken to a hospital room and our families were let in to see Mary before heading home to get some sleep (it was now 2am).
Labor and delivery did not go as Eric and I planned. Our birth plan, in fact, was thrown out the window. In the end I learned so much from the experience. Mostly I learned to be docile to the will of God and trust that He is in control. The doctor informed me that Mary got stuck on my tailbone so no matter what we tried that girl was not coming out any other way than C-Section. The doctor heard my desire to have a big family and did a special kind of stitch ("double stitch") on my uterus that should give us the best chance at a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian) with the next baby. I am so thankful to have had Eric by my side during this whole experience. When they were prepping me for surgery I kept saying, "where is my husband?" and once he was there I felt immediately at ease and knew I could face this with him by my side.
Here are a few pictures of Mary's first moments. You may also have seen her in the OC Register or on the local news as she and her friend Dorothy were big news since they were born on the same day with both of their daddy's assigned to the same fire station, on the same shift, live in the same housing complex, and whose fathers were also both firemen.
Ready for surgery! The position of laying like on a cross is so appropriate as this is a total offering of ones body.
A few weeks before my due date I had my first false alarm. The nurse that I spoke to told me the baby would likely come in the next few days. Boy, was she ever wrong as Mary stayed inside 10 days past her due date. It didn't totally surprise us since at my first check at 37 weeks I was already beginning to dilate. With those words from the nurse, Eric and I went into a mode of active waiting. I became a ticking time bomb. We were expecting at any moment for me to fly into full labor. Our hospital bags were packed and our birth plan printed out (all two full pages of details). That birth plan would end up being thrown out the window but more about that later.
Days went by and no baby. My due date (July 6th) came and went. Eric took a few days off work since we thought Mary was coming but eventually we realized this baby was very cozy inside and Eric returned to work. Tuesday, July 9th, I began having pains and felt all together strange so I called Eric and asked him to come home. The pains began to get more regular so we called the doctor who told us to head to the hospital to get checked. Once we got there we realized that we had another false alarm. The nurse said it was early labor but not not active enough to be in the hospital. Once gain, they said it would likely be any day now and once again were they ever wrong. Those nurses had no idea how much this girl wanted to stay inside with her 24 hour, temperature controlled, buffet.
More time went by and we began growing weary. It was getting more and more difficult to wait. As we got further and further past my due date the discussion of induction came up with the doctor. My mom had very late babies so I had previously shared with the doctor that I wanted to wait as long as possible before inducing. She was wonderful and agreed that as long as everyone was healthy we could wait until 42 weeks to induce. At each weekly appointment they found I was making some progress but not as much as they wanted. I was having tons of contractions but they seemed to be only slightly helping my cervix along. The hardest part of this all for me was the pain I was now in. Every night for several hours Mary would move vigorously in my tummy. At this point she was so big that her movements were extremely painful and would at times leave me almost in tears. Each night I would beg God to send me into labor. I often told him I couldn't take anymore even though deep down I knew I could and had a feeling I was going to be asked to endure more days. I offered the pain for a safe delivery for Mary. I would begin to pray that the pain be an offering to not have a C-Section (our biggest concern) but could never actually gets those words out in my prayers. I knew that I needed to just put everything in God's hands and not make demands about how labor and delivery should go.
On July 14th, I began having pains again. We timed them and when they were 5 minutes apart of a few hours we headed to the hospital. It was about 2am when we got there and again they told me I was not in full labor. They said I was definitely in labor but still early labor. (By the way, if you ever read a pregnancy book that claims that you should try to go out to dinner or watch a movie during early labor, ignore those pages! Early labor is labor and it does hurt and is tiring so going out won't be in your mind.) At this point, I was 8 days past due and the doctor at the hospital requested that I stay and be induced into active labor. The doctor also saw something on the fetal heart monitor that concerned him. Her heart rate would speed up and then suddenly dip. This only happened once so he couldn't conclude anything was wrong but doctors don't really like women to go past 41 weeks and he was concerned. I did not feel at peace about being induced at this point so I asked to talk to my doctor before making a decision. My doctor asked for some extra fetal monitoring and once everything showed that Mary was just find my doctor agreed to let me go home and wait in hopes that active labor would come on its own. We asked her how we can be sure that next time isn't another false alarm and she said don't go in until contractions are 3-5 minutes apart or they pain is more than I can handle.
So back home we went but not for long. Contractions picked up again the evening of the 15th. I had over an hour of hard contractions that were 6 minutes apart. Every time Eric would check the time and tell me 6 minutes I would almost laugh. The doctor said 3-5 minutes and of course my contractions were 6 minutes apart. This little girl was teasing us! I found comfort in the warm shower but once the hot water ran out I decided to try to lay in bed. Just a few minutes later a crazy pain struck and I yelped in pain and began to cry. Something had changed! That first intense contraction was of a very different kind. I had another one just a few minutes later, then a third again a few minutes later. Eric was laying next to me in the bed and when the third contraction hit I yelled, "get me to a hospital!" With that, Eric, too, knew something had changed and he jumped out of bed and began getting everything in the car so we could go. On the way to the hospital (10 minutes away), I had three more contractions. They were coming close together and I knew this had to be real labor. We got to the labor and delivery desk and I had another one there in front of the nurses. Now, on our previous visits they had taken us to triage to assess if I was really in labor but this time they took us straight to a labor and delivery room. Eric asked how they knew I was truly in active labor this time and the nurse responded, "just look at her face, that is real labor!"
They checked my dilation and finally I had progressed another centimeter. I was admitted and the IV was started. Eric and I were excited but for some reason still cautious and worried they would send us home again. The nurses assured me that I was not going home and began giving me Penicillin because I was strep B positive. They also gave me fluids which slowed the contractions down. They were still very strong but not as regular. I decided I would get the epidural. I was previously opposed to the epidural and desired an all natural labor but I got scared and decided to accept the available help.
Before giving me the epidural the on call doctor came in to check me. After a few more hours I had not made any more progress. I felt so defeated. All those intense contractions and nothing! She said the contractions were strong enough but not often enough to dilate my cervix. She gave me three options: break my water, give me pitocin, or send me home. I immediately told Eric that going home was not an option. I was in so much pain and could not bare it much longer. This was the point when the birth plan went out the window. We did not want any induction methods but at this point we needed to trust the doctors and consider what they were recommending.
In my spiritual life I have often found that I can identify God's will because it comes with a great sense of peace. The day before, when induction methods were offered, I had no peace and knew it wasn't time. This time when they suggested induction methods I had peace and knew it was time to accept help moving things along. For some reason my body would not put itself into steady and active labor and needed a little help. After getting input from some girlfriends we decided that breaking my water was the least invasive. They came to do my epidural first and then the doctor broke my water. Right before giving me the epidural and breaking my water they checked my progress and I was at 4 centimeters. I had made it one more centimeter on my own!
After breaking my water they contractions picked up a little but upon checking my progress we found that I had not dilated any more. So now we were moving on to pitocin. I certainly did not want pitocin but at this point had little options. The pitocin worked fast and in just a few hours I was at 7 centimeters and Eric was calling our families to tell them to head to the hospital. Soon I was at 10 centimeters and it was time to push at about 8pm on July 16, 2013. The room was filled with excitement. My mom, Eric's mom, and Eric's sister all stayed with us in the room to see our little girl be born. Pushing seemed to be going well as the nurses kept saying I was pushing exactly right. After about an hour of pushing, my epidural stopped working and I could feel the intense contractions. This is where I have to admit that the movies are right. I began crying out loud at the pain. The pain was very intense thanks to the pitocin. I knew I only had two hours to push before they would get concerned so as I watched the clock tick by I got more and more nervous. After about an hour and forty-five minutes the nurse went to call the doctor. When she returned we got the worst news yet. Mary was not budging and her heart rate was being compromised during the contractions. In fact, it was doing exactly what the previous doctor saw the day prior. The nurse informed us that the doctor wanted to do a C-Section. The energy in the room died. I began to cry asking for alternatives. Eric and I desire a big family and a C-Section could pose challenges and add risks to that desire. After speaking to the doctor on the phone she agreed to wait 30 minutes to see if Mary's heart rate would get better. By the time the doctor got to the hospital Mary's heart rate was in the healthy range so I began pushing again with the doctor. Unfortunately, again, Mary seemed stuck and they were concerned her heart would speed up again so I agreed to the C-Section. As much as I didn't want to end up on the operating table, I had a sense of peace.
They took me into the operating room and prepped Eric to be with me. It took about 6 minutes to get Mary out and I felt a mix of joy and sadness when I heard the doctor say, "time of birth: 11:03 pm." I was filled with joy that my little girl was here but sad that I did not get that dream delivery I hoped for. I didn't get my baby handed to me for skin to skin contact and immediate nursing. I wasn't immediately holding my baby in my arms because I had to be stitched up. Praise God her daddy got to be with her right away. Immediately after the baby was out they pumped me with narcotics for the coming pain. I had a strong reaction to the narcotics and it took about 2 hours for me to regain my vision, stop shaking, and be able to really see Mary and hold her. In those two hours Eric bonded with his daughter. God knows what He is doing and I am sure that time of bonding will set those two up to have an incredible relationship. I worried about her attachment to me but now 1 month later I can say that is not an issue at all. Our little girl is fully attached to her mommy! We were finally taken to a hospital room and our families were let in to see Mary before heading home to get some sleep (it was now 2am).
Labor and delivery did not go as Eric and I planned. Our birth plan, in fact, was thrown out the window. In the end I learned so much from the experience. Mostly I learned to be docile to the will of God and trust that He is in control. The doctor informed me that Mary got stuck on my tailbone so no matter what we tried that girl was not coming out any other way than C-Section. The doctor heard my desire to have a big family and did a special kind of stitch ("double stitch") on my uterus that should give us the best chance at a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarian) with the next baby. I am so thankful to have had Eric by my side during this whole experience. When they were prepping me for surgery I kept saying, "where is my husband?" and once he was there I felt immediately at ease and knew I could face this with him by my side.
Here are a few pictures of Mary's first moments. You may also have seen her in the OC Register or on the local news as she and her friend Dorothy were big news since they were born on the same day with both of their daddy's assigned to the same fire station, on the same shift, live in the same housing complex, and whose fathers were also both firemen.
Ready for surgery! The position of laying like on a cross is so appropriate as this is a total offering of ones body.
Daddy cutting the cord
10 days late = a big girl! This may have contributed to her getting stuck.
Mommy and baby first meet!
Happy family!
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